rantings of a deranged mind

Its been nearly two weeks and the whole time i havent gotten the chance to step in and blog, work has been really tight. and then i had this IELTS test that i just didnt get..and then there were all these deadlines chasing me down. then my computer had its first major crash in 3 years, good news is i recovered the data today, so i think things are looking up, I have this great praise service at church tomorrow and I cant wait. I think its going to be a good week here on.

About four years ago, I started writing a short story called 'miguel' and i was having a wonderful time until the computer crashed i lost everything,and i happed to be one of those people who dont first write out the book on paper and then transfer it to a computer, i just type it there, coz at the time, it seemed the sensible thing to do, anyway, like i was saying, the computer crashed and i lost everything, so i forgot about Miguel, i had lost like two chapters, and i just didnt want to think about writing it all afresh.
anyway, yesterday, sunday, my sister and a cousin of mine were cleaning up and they found three pages of that 'manuscript' if i can call it that and they showed it to me. I was amazed, i actually had something there, the writing was a bit off, but the story, just those three pages that i must have printed out back then to show to a friend, were actually interested,
so anyhow, i've decided that I am going to do this.
I'm going to finish my story, maybe the title will change, and i have forgotten what the rest of the story was supposed to be, but i am going to chase it, and see where it goes
wish me luck.

I woke up today and didnt want to go to work, but i get paid at the end of the month, so i guess, it would be unfair not to come to work, but now am here, and i cant go back home, its the middle of the day, and i feel so tired and sleepy, but this wouldnt be a problem if i actually had something to do with the time, I have finished all the work i was supposed to do, and i have spent the last hour waiting for something to happen and i am oh so sleepy.
I am really hoping for something better to happen. before my boss walks in on me napping

I painted this nearly two weeks ago and i had not yet found the right name to call it. but i have decided to call it 'ninshasa2' it's a word from my native language which means that 'i am hurting' its the second part in what i hope will not turn into a series because honestly everytime i try to paint i can only think sad thoughts.
Today a workmate said something, that might have seemed quite ordinary to anyone else but i found it very unnerving and i completely flipped out. I dont know what is wrong with him, i am losing all sense of self control and i dont even know what to do about it anymore.
Sometimes i just wish i could turn off everything and forget about life, i am such a mess, but what worries me most is the fact that i don't even know what to do about it.
Lord , I need help

I painted this nearly two weeks ago and i had not yet found the right name to call it. but i have decided to call it 'ninshasa2' it's a word from my native language which means that 'i am hurting' its the second part in what i hope will not turn into a series because honestly everytime i try to paint i can only think sad thoughts. Today a workmate said something, that might have seemed quite ordinary to anyone else but i found it very unnerving and i completely flipped out. I dont know what is wrong with him, i am losing all sense of self control and i dont even know what to do about it anymore. Sometimes i just wish i could turn off everything and forget about life, i am such a mess, but what worries me most is the fact that i don't even know what to do about it. Lord , I need help

I painted this nearly two weeks ago and i had not yet found the right name to call it. but i have decided to call it 'ninshasa2' it's a word from my native language which means that 'i am hurting' its the second part in what i hope will not turn into a series because honestly everytime i try to paint i can only think sad thoughts. Today a workmate said something, that might have seemed quite ordinary to anyone else but i found it very unnerving and i completely flipped out. I dont know what

time moves very fast, and soon the world will forget, its almost a month now, and many people have forgotten, but last April an uproar went up in my country about the proposed giveaway of part of our biggest forest. Mabira. a Ugandan of asian origin Mehta who owns SCOUL (sugar corporation of uganda ltd) was hoping to grow sugar cane there, most people didnt agree, which is all well, and good but no one could have fathomed just how much these people were against the idea,
In a demonstration against the give away people went wild and started attacking any one of asian origin, and this man was beaten and stoned to death.

yes apologies were made, yes the family was given 10,000 dollars, yes the forest is not going to be given away after all. but what does that make us... savages?

I mean, is this what has become of us , just plain savages, to beat a man to death because of the colour of his skin? because someone with the same colour tried to buy a piece of land

AM I ANGRY?! yes. like hell i am.

what has become of the world, where will we be in the next five years. where is the love?

Am really sick of it all.

At first I wasn’t sure, I said to my self ..
nah it cant be,
not me,
but I am realizing more and more,
day by day that it is after all true.
That there is in fact an evil that lies within me..
there I have said it,
I can now see it and deal with it.
and that evil I fear keeps on growing, m
ost everyday I wake up and fight it,
other days,
when I’m not being careful ,
when I’m not watching,
it rears its head up,
it's dark and it's sinister,
and it eats away,
some days its faster than other days,
and other days it just gnaws away slowly, p
ainfully and bitterly,
in a way that I can't explain,
that’s when the walls begin to close in
and I am screaming,
just not loud enough,
I don’t, I don’t really care about people’s disdain and contempt, maybe I do ,
but just alittle ,
what I really care about
is the thing that is eating me up,
I keep wishing it would stop
that it would just go away forever.
But its silent,
waiting, watching , waiting, gnawing, waiting

its eating away at every fibre,
its bitter and its angry and its cold
you feel your backbone go from cold to stiff and then its just painful

and i think,
i think i die a little everyday

At first I wasn’t sure, I said to my self ..
nah it cant be,
not me,
but I am realizing more and more,
day by day that it is after all true.
That there is in fact an evil that lies within me..
there I have said it,
I can now see it and deal with it.
and that evil I fear keeps on growing, m
ost everyday I wake up and fight it,
other days,
when I’m not being careful ,
when I’m not watching,
it rears its head up,
it's dark and it's sinister,
and it eats away,
some days its faster than other days,
and other days it just gnaws away slowly, p
ainfully and bitterly,
in a way that I can't explain,
that’s when the walls begin to close in
and I am screaming,
just not loud enough,
I don’t, I don’t really care about people’s disdain and contempt, maybe I do ,
but just alittle ,
what I really care about
is the thing that is eating me up,
I keep wishing it would stop
that it would just go away forever.
But its silent,
waiting, watching , waiting, gnawing, waiting

its eating away at every fibre,
its bitter and its angry and its cold
you feel your backbone go from cold to stiff and then its just painful

and i think,
i think i die a little everyday

The LORD is good and his mercy endureth forever.
I serve a miracle working God, yes a miracle working God.
Yes he hears my prayers, he is listening, I am not alone.

Psalms 100
Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
Serve the LORD with gladness: cp,e befprwe jos [resemce wotj somgomg/
Know ye that the LORD he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture, Enter into his gates with thanks fiving, and into his cours with prais: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the LORD IS GOOD, his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all enerations.

There is a a joy,
an inner fulfillment
that comes from knowing
just from knowing that the LORD is listening.

I think it simply takes us to another level to a realisation of beauty.
am glad the weekend is here I am going to be painting I think sunday my colour these days seems to be green, so am going to plunge in and explore.

at Uni, I majored in Stained glass mosaics,
and I enjoyed every minute, I thought after that I would go to a glass blowing school and i would learn all the other cool things,
didnt get to go.
I get a newsletter from www.holsteingalleries.com every so many months,
this came in my mail, and it just took my breath away

this is my idea of art

On my way home last night I passed a body on the road, hit and run, it was bad, really bad, I mean I couldn’t even tell if it had been a guy or a girl, there was blood everywhere, it had just happened coz there were just about three police men and the crowd was just beginning to gather.
I have not been able to think about anything else since. I mean this person was probably walking across the street and wham! Didn’t even stand a chance.
I wrote one of my friends a text to tell em’ .
I said
‘I was on my way home and there was this body in the road,
whats the point? Why are we here? If we are just going to die
one way or the other.’

He said
‘ I didn’t create the jinns and mankind but to worship me’ and it is from prayer that you will become strong. And I created a thin line between life and death so that I test your faith . and it is from death that you shall achieve piety.’

I don’t get it. We are here to die? Is this that plan?

My boyfriend and I decided to go on a one month break till June, the reasons are great, and it was my
idea but am wondering how exactly am going to make it through a month without him
and its not really a month, its actually going to be three week but it still feels like forever, it seems
that my life has changed so much over the last three years and that is all because i was with him
alot of my life, actually I think my entire life untill yesterday has been revolving around him
I have made decisions on what to wear, how to speak to people , who to be friends with,
how to spend my weekends basing on Him. Its actually why am going on this break, to try and
figure out what my life really is with out him, and I dont even know how that is going to affect me, what
if I find that being with him has actually been crippling him, not that he ever said, you should do
things this way or that, I have lived like that of my own free will and now am trying to find my self
again. and I dont even know how that is going to work out,
What if turns out that we are better off separated? then what? what do I do come June?
I will probably have that answer in June.

the music keeps playing, but the words are far away and I dont hear them anymore
I think, its a love song, I am almost sure it is but its not, not to me anyway.
I've shut that all out I have seen more than I wish.
My mind is one big void, and I am stuck in there, fighting for air, dying to breath,
Am I dying
am I

I close my eyes, most people see their lives flash past,
I dont
I see spaces, empty spaces that I could have filled with stuff but I didnt.
I want to be in another world
to escape and not come back,
to see it all from a distance,
to be free,

But I open my eyes and I am here,
In my world still me,
still living a meaning less life,
still me
not dead.

I close my eyes tightly,
I do not open them.

I have to admit , its a great idea, but I am still trying to figure out the whole thing, why is it that the pictures never work out the size I want, and why is it, that you cant adjust images, or maybe you can and its going to take me another decade to figure it out,
then there's the design, one of these days I am going to figure out how to work around making my own design but now, I just don't why it looks so... sooo (hmm. can i actually say this?) AMATEUR!!

but! I'll figure it out.

I dont like makeup, I cant say I ever have, it seems every single time, I find my self wearing it, its either under duress, or because, my mom threatens to disown me if I dont, I did try some at my graduation and a little at my brother's graduation but thats it,

It gets to the point when it feels like you are hiding behind something, and the make up face, yeah, maybe when I am 60 I will use some but now? besides i am think how many colours actually go with red, and i am coming up against a brick wall and then there is that fish story they keep telling and how its used in make up,

and there are the scary movies, with the weird makeup

and then there is just the fact that makeup is not really cool at all.

anyhow, I decided I would carry out an experiment and if the image wasn't so big, I might actually have managed to post, not that that is ever going to be possible.

I am not a teacher, i once imagined my self to be one,
but clearly I was way out of my league, I come from a
family where the first language is not English,
we learnt english after we were three,
but the rest of our lives we go through
the entire education system till uni having to use english
am not even going to make noise about that cause I suppose
we're living in a global village.
this is not even about that, this is about trying to figure out
how teachers get to make small children understand

I live at home and we recently had an addition to the family,
a little 4 yr old, unfortunately, that little girl has not had
the chance of school till now, she knows her own first language
pretty well but unfortunately she has started school and has to communicate in English
She barely knows english beyond greeting and and answering to 'what is your name'
she is in Primary One, and way behind the other kids

Now am not a star at home schooling.
but I have tried just about everything and I am beginning to feel helpless.

Is there a teacher out there who knows the secret?